(no subject)
jnew
primroseway
I feel so at peace when I'm by myself. The only other time I feel as good, even better, is when I'm with Greg. There's literally no one else I care to spend time with. And I LEFT that. For what???

(no subject)
jnew
primroseway
i was reading this article about the relationship between guilt and depression, how many depressed people feel an inordinate amount of guilt over small mistakes they make, trivial events, things that are often out of their control, etc. they are controlled by the belief that they are personally responsible for anything bad that happens.</p>

"Sometimes this belief of personal responsibility can become delusional. For instance, a person may begin to believe that he or she is to blame for civil unrest in other parts of the world." 

reading this triggered a memory of a time in 5th grade when the fire alarm went off and i immediately believed that it was my fault, that i had somehow started a fire in another part of the building, or that i had accidentally pulled the fire alarm. i wasn’t sure how i did it, but i was absolutely convinced that it was my fault and spent the day wracked with guilt. 

this memory, in turn, made me realize that i’ve been depressed for a long fucking time. 

t and depression, how many

(no subject)
jnew
primroseway
i did everything in my power to make sure my morning would go smoothly today because i was tutoring my first exam prep session ever; i laid out my clothes, got enough sleep, woke up extra early, went over the program multiple times the night before etc. and everything was going according to plan until of fucking course i chipped my tooth. i don’t even know how. it wasn’t extremely serious or anything but for some reason this sent me into an emotional tailspin (which was severely out of proportion in retrospect) there was a lot of shrieking and screaming into my bath towel and uncontrollable crying. but i was just SO upset, like seriously devastated, not even because of the tooth but because i had this morning so perfectly planned out and i’d already been nervous and it just felt like the end of the world. even while it was happening i was like “why am i so goddamn dramatic? i’m being ridiculous right now.” then half an hour later on the way to work i’m singing along to talking heads like nothing ever happened.

but everything turned out okay in the end because my session went really well and both the student and the exam prep director told me i was awesome :-)

(no subject)
jnew
primroseway
i will move to athens. i would like a place to myself. i will get a job (part time) and in my free time study music composition (you can do this online) and i will also take acting classes (???WHERE??) and then I will also take yoga classes (where??)


steps to accomplish this:

1. find a place to stay in athens
2. find a job
3. settle
4. learn how to be a person
5. find classes and take them.
6. have a schedule every day.


ONLY YOU CAN MAKE THIS HAPPEN. DON'T WAIT AROUND.

jnew
primroseway
i have such contempt for people, especially family. like if anyone in my family tries to speak to me i want to recoil and hiss at them until they go away. i don't want them even looking or breathing near me. i don't even understand why myself. yes, they're annoying, but the level of irritation i feel when i'm around them is all consuming. i'm probably a demon.

this is like that show ashram kitchen's prank'd
jnew
primroseway
at work yesterday, some punk ass 11 year old kid, the type you know kills cats for fun, came up to me with a dr. seuss book and was like “i’m having trouble reading this can you read it for me?”. in my head i was like this small, ugly troll doll is shady af and up to no good. but i couldnt be a dick and kick him like i wanted to, because i was at work. so i was just like "ok" and started reading to him. immediately when i start reading, four of his stupid fucking friends run up and huddle behind a movie display which is directly in front of me, not even five feet away, poking their heads over and giggling. one of them is filming me with their phone and laughing. i made direct eye contact with the kid filming, stopped reading and walked away. there was no satisfaction in the prank for them whatsoever. it was barely even a prank. like “oh i read a line from a dr. seuss book i certainly have egg on my face!” at least the 14 yo girls who flood the toilets cause some actual mayhem. i guess my point here is boys suck at every age.

i'm real
jnew
primroseway
i'm really glad i remind u of dianne weist in hannah and her sisters well u know what she won an OSCAR for that role which means i should win an oscar for just living my got damn life.
u know else what woody allens character ends up with her in the end of the movie and i kno u fancy urself some tortured philosophical writer dude so WHY AREN'T WE TOGETHER. FUCKING. RIGHT NOW.  FUCKING. 

(no subject)
jnew
primroseway
crushes are awful, debiliating even, you're lonely and your brain (crotch?) chooses a person, you tell yourself, no, he/she can't solve whatever is lacking in my life, you try and stop your brain, and you feel it, despite all your best efforts, completely fucking you over. shitting on your life. so now, youre sitting in your car, or at dinner, or in class, and you can't go five fucking seconds without thinking about that thing he said to you, the way he kissed you, the way he looked at you. nononono it's happening again.


because if it doesn't work out? (which it won't! how could it? you're so young) you'll be a wreck. it's a disease.

hi
jnew
primroseway
i don't think i'll post much here. this is mainly for ontd:)

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